hey everyone. i'm still working on my art everyday trying to improve. i'm starting to get there but nothing major. soon i will be back for revenge. also i might ask tom to delete everything on my profile so i can start anew hopefully he is ok with helping me ;-;

the script is done now i just need to wait for my friend to show up so he can help me with the editing of the animation. can't wait to actually get into the meat of it

I have been working on my idea a lil and i finally finished the script. Now all i need to do is work out the dialogue of the characters and clean up the script a bunch. When that's done ill be able to start working on the actual animation. Woooo. So much god damn work.

I also started feeling like people might not like tge finished animation which is pretty stupid since im pretty sure only the people close to me will see it. And since its my first animation. If its rock bottom. I can only improve. So i really don't have any reason to fear

i have worked for like 2-3h on the idea i had yesterday. the script is 3chapter long and i feel like they all need to be puffed up a bit. that and i also need like 3 more chapter for the story to be completed. the ending was ironically the first thing i wrote down since when i came up with the story the ending was the most powerfull of scenes. so i had to write it down first so i didn't forget it

i have a new idea for a animation i could do. its a small story i think everyone will be able to relate to. i just feel like most people will call me edgy if i actually end up making it. but i feel like i just need to let all of this melancholy out of me or else it will kill me. so i might just go trough with it. hopefully people will enjoy it

its nice to listen to sad music when you are sad. bc if you ride the melancholy to the other side you will no longer be sad. blocking the feelings is def not the way to g. letting them flow trough you seem to be working wonders tho. i think it really is a change of perspective i need.

https://youtu.be/E2TwELiE2FA

When i gave up on coding a few months ago. it was the end of a 12 year long journey that i went trough mostly alone. no one ever told me that i inspired them or what i was doing was good or even that i was smart for how i coded. i spend hours upon hours of my free time learning how to code on my own. i learned html/css/javascript/php and i started coding websites from scratch. i spend hours trough trial and error to learn how everything worked and how to use it to its absolute limits. i spend hours learning c++ and python. i went to school to learn coding even more and i never struggled in a lesson about coding. but uni really fucked me up i feel like. i use to spend days awake sturying for the exams bc of how much they scared me. now it all seem so unimportant.

but to get back to the subject. once i stopped coding and gave up on everything i had build until now. a LOT of people came to me asking me why i would do such a thing ? they asked me "why would you stop coding ? you are so amazing at it" some called me the smartest person they knew. a few people told me that i have an amazing future in coding and if i really want to give up on it. i think about that a lot. almost every morning. how no one ever told me anything about how they felt about me. all it took is for me to fucking fall off my ladder for people to tell me how far up i had climbed. i wonder why.

i'm sorry if my post feel kind of spammy right now. i keep thinking about this stuff and writting blogpost about them helps me get them out of my head. and if i don't get those ideas out they are going to drive me actually insane

i wonder if one day ill be able to get back to drawing everyday. the hours seem to pass faster and faster and faster and i feel like time is leaving me behind. its like everyone is running and i'm trying to crawl along. i see all those artist that are like 2 years old at art and i'm here still garbage even tho i really did try my best. i try to see the positive as in if they can do it in 2 years i probably can too but i can't bring myself to actually sit down and draw. and its starting to make me hate myself.

today i wanted to draw at 18:00 i blinked and now its 23:48 and i didn't draw at all today again.

i have been feeling more and more melancholic recently. i think i'm really not doing well anymore. i keep thinking about the actual years worth of experiance i have in coding and how all of it was for fucking nothing bc in the end i didn't do shit with it at all and just abandoned my passion as a whole. i never realised how little i had until i lost coding as an interest, bc now i just kind of do art on and off i feel like i'm trying to convince myself that i still do stuff, that i'm still actif and that art is more of a coping mechanism then a actual thing i want to do. i wonder if i'm also going to give up on art the moment people start praising me for it. when i gave up on coding everyone around me asked me why they all told me how amazing i was at it and they didn't understand why i gave up. and i still don't know why i'm even doing this. i don't know why i'm not trying to go back to the one thing i was good at. this is kind of a rambling blogpost but i had to say it somewhere and i don't want to say it on discord bc i know everyone is going to ignore me again. i just want to be like i use to be before i'm sick of being this version of myself

i have been slowely getting back into the rythm of drawing everyday bc i guess depression has fucking calmed down for a hot second. i do hope that i can get back to drawing 3 times a day ngl i miss seeing my practis bare fruit even if it was just a little bit. hopefully ill be back to drawing garbage in a few days maybe even tomorow :0 for now i'm just doing draw a box tho so i guess this is fine